June 18, 2010

Oh, wild summer heat,
you bring much unecessary things
and I find, in time
I want you gone quicker than you came.

A wild deisre, passion unfolding by the
parting of lips, a cool breath
breathed down my chest
an envelope unfolding and taking me
into its arms.

I cannot describe love better
than saying it is a burning desire
to never lose out and keep having more.
It is a brisk heart, feeling every beat
and every in-between.
It is a sour sensation on your lips
turning sweet as you swallow it down.
The pinch of salt to flavor the meat
It is sweat and hard work
Deliverance from feeling alone –
and to know that even when you are:
Solitude is happier to have a home
to return to in Love.

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“Driving Between Homes”

*Editors Note: I wrote this September 8th, 2006. Found it in one of my very old blogs while looking for a specific poem. It struck me and I find my 23 year-old self relating to my 19 year-old self very much.

Driving to Ontario, in traffic, less than 24 hours since I had driven away from Ontario is the perfect time to become frustrated, angry, upset, relentless, jealous… all at the same time, and the only people who see me wigging out in the drivers seat are other drivers in cars speeding past me, or that I am speeding past…

I definitely don’t mind driving. I do mind the numb-butt I get from sitting for 2+ hours, I do mind when the songs on my iPod begin to feel stale, and I mind the memories that float to the surface of my tumultuous head because frankly, what else is there to do but think?

Sometimes I love the journey and hate the destination.
Other times, it’s the destination I love and the journey that is hell…

Either way, no matter how I end up where I’m going – whether I flip a coin (heads san francisco, tails Ontario), or follow a map to meet a friend by 7:00 at Panera…. No matter how, when, where, or why… I end up where I end up for a reason.

I end up fucking up people’s contentedness by reading poetry that hits them… or my emotions are fucked up by a poem I relate to way too much. Life hurts, it makes us bleed and gives us bruises that last for weeks, it takes us down roads with traffic and wide open highways that allow for speed and quick recovery… Life is a mess, a goddamn beautiful mess made up of love and hate, ex-lovers and best friends…

Where is it all going? I don’t know… but we can’t flip a coin to answer the question, “What will tomorrow bring?” and there aren’t any maps that ensure us a great destination.

I’m sure we can figure it out, though. As long as you know where Home is, you’ll be alright.

This blog was a lot more positive than my thoughts in the car… I don’t know what happened in that single moment that I sat down to write, but something clicked in my head and told me that even if everything will never be alright, some things will and positivity rules out negativity… at least it always ought to.

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The Humility of True Love

Preface: After watching numerous episodes of Sex & The City and continually trying to be in a poetic frame of mind, it’s easy to get philosophical about love… well, for me at least

Also, I’m not sure I have this well thought out, I’m a little hesitant to post this without going over it again and filling in some of my mental blank spots. However, please know that I am just mulling over what love is, true love. I’ve been trying to define it the past month, through poetry and theories. I’m convinced humility is a very large part of love and here I am attempting to connect some of the dots that are so severely scattered in my head. (Note the time I first started writing… eesh! Night Owl Theories For the Lovehunter… a new blog name?)

I am still up, (1:30am) I just cleaned the kitchen and wrote a little… mostly about love and life being in question.

While in the middle of a poem I wrote, “I am caught in the humility of need” and I think there’s a strange truth to that sentence, I’ve never really associated “need” to be a humble thing. I guess it is though… to need something you are succumbing to the fact that what you have (minus that thing you need) is not enough; you are not fit to survive without it.  Like food, starving people are caught in that humility of need; they are not proud to be in the state they are in and they can’t survive without food – they need to have it.

I supposed I’ve been humbled by needs before, humbled to tears. Maybe I thought the tears were from a need of a specific person (like an ex-boyfriend or a lost family member), but looking even deeper I can see that in those moments of tears and complete agony – I needed love.

I’ve easily confused a Need for Love with a need for a particular person and not even realized it (I’m actually just having this epiphany for the first time now). Our minds are capable of a countless number of things… fooling ourselves is one of them! Am I right to say that many couples who get married (and later divorced) come to this same conclusion in one way or another? They come to realize that they’ve been leaning on their partner to feel loved, but in a broad sense they’ve been using their spouse for their own personal need-satisfaction and not true, fulfilling, lasting love. It’s a selfish thing to keep that person around, all because as humans we have an innate and absolute need to be loved.

This isn’t just limited to Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Husband/Wife love… but friendship too. Have you ever called a friend you didn’t really care about because you just needed companionship for the night? It’s the same thing at the core, right? Do we call on those people because we love them or because we love to have someone around and are too proud to be alone?

When you find your soul mate/love of your life/true love, I’m starting to believe that whether they are next to you or 3,000 miles away you’ll be content just to know you have that true love – you won’t go searching for something to fill in the distance. Sure, you’ll miss them and want them there, but the void that the Need for Love creates will be filled.

Anyway, I could go on, but I don’t want to make this a huge philosophical essay (I’m well on my way already).

It’s just something to think about, I guess.

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untitled poem

Love is not Love at first sight
it is a growing force-
the moon, waxing and waning
gently pulls the ocean – a long
drawn breath as the water
pulls the sand from shore
inhaling it deeper into itself

and then the heave –
the rolling, forcing, rushing
forward of everything it pulled
away, returning.
Love is that wave crashing and
splitting, overturning what everything had been.
It forges something new
with every breath, every kiss
every parting of the lips.

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Crap.

It’s almost been a month. Sorry guys. This is my pre-post-post, where I apologize for slackin off.

Sowwies.

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Lonely cloud.

image

Just a picture of the pretty cloud outside my window – its alone out there

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My Call for Guidance.

Hi, Everyone!

See, I’m doing it! I’m keeping up with at least one post a week! Last week was two.. this week, one so far (if I finish this one!). Let’s keep going.

I’ve been thinking since I started this thing, about what topics and issues I should bring up. I thought, Maybe on Tuesdays, I could write about a new CD or DVD release. I still may do that. I also have considered updating after Mark and I do some fabulous (or even not so fabulous) hike around the LA area (or wherever). That’s still a possibility too.

However, I can’t go buy (beg, borrow, or steal) new music every week and Mark and I aren’t as avid hikers as we’d like to be. So… I need fresh new ideas. Even older, moldy ones will do to just help me get started.

Let me ask you guys, as my readers, what you wonder about on a day to day basis? Things that pop into your head and you need an answer to – or just an opinion. Can I be your gopher?

I am aiming to build a readership – If you want me to post random things regarding Star Wars one day and Prada/couture the next, I can do that too, but I want to know you’re O.K with it.

E-mail me with suggestions, or comment on here and maybe I’ll dedicate a post to you or whatever friend sparked the idea in your head that (insert oddball idea here). I’m one of those people who hardly READS blogs – I just look at the pictures…. I want to make sure I can keep you reading.

So, now, stop reading and type….

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